I ate my first real meal of the year today.

I dont know if this belongs here but I hope you still read this, please tell me to delete this if it's not appropriate.

I've been struggling with disordered eating all my life. By the time I was old enough to walk to the kitchen and get food myself I did. I grew up "fat" and it's all I've ever really known. I'm a bit older now and my bmi is very high. I knew I needed to lose lots of weight, but the way I did it was absolutely not healthy. My body dysmorphia sent me into a cycle of restriction for the past year and a half. I've been yoyoing, and I'm back to the weight I was before the restriction started.

I've decided I've had enough of it. I know recovery isnt that easy, but I need to kick this beast in the teeth before I suffer serious damage.

It made everything worse.

My work suffered

My grades suffered

My relationship suffered

I suffered.

I'm referring to it in past tense.

I deleted every "proana" account I have and left every community. It scares me how I got that bad.

Tonight, I ate some tortellini and a pretty decent salad. With lots of water. Probably not the most nutritious in terms of protein but while eating it I noticed that this is the first meal of this year where I wasnt either restricting or drastically overeating.

This is the first step in my eyes. I don't want to hate myself anymore. I want to lose weight, but the proper way, and recovery is hard. I know the habits won't go away overnight but I'm going to work on them.

If you got this far thank you for reading this. I hope your day is awesome and that you remember to take care of yourself <3

submitted by /u/sarahlinee
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/kdefrj/i_ate_my_first_real_meal_of_the_year_today/