I've always been overweight, dealt with a very turbulent childhood. Always turned to food for that dopamine hit I couldn't get from anywhere else. Struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a little kid. Over the years I've tried to accept myself, pursued therapy, and move forward the best I can with my life. That being said, my weight has ballooned consistently, as I never quite was able to get rid of my binging tendencies. I've worked out with a great trainer, gained a little muscle, lost some weight, then fell off the wagon and promptly found it all (and more) again within a few years. I also dated some people during that time (not my current partner tho) who encouraged me to stop going to the gym, and not worry about gaining weight. I am an approval seeker and love the path of least resistance, so for me it was a great way to avoid responsibility by dating people who enabled and supported this type of lifestyle. Since then I've been off and on with the physical activity, clean-ish eating, and binging. Lost ~30 lbs during covid lockdowns using a modified keto, then found it all again after moving to a new province a few years ago.
This year though, I have hit the 300lbs mark. That's a new low (haha) for me. At 5'10", my weight has generally been distributed in a fairly consistent way in an hourglass shape, just fat, but physically I've felt and seen my face, chin, belly, waist, and chest get bigger this past year. I don't like what I see in the mirror. This was shitty, and combined with what happened this week, it felt like it flipped a switch in my head.
I met my partner 2 and a half years ago, and we moved in together a little less than a year ago. We've had a lot of ups and downs in both of our lives, with our families, careers and each other, but we've stuck it out and I feel like this is my person.
Partner and I have been having intimacy issues for a long time. There have been a few different reasons I would prefer not to delve into too much here, but it's been a very stressful few years.
Recently it was around 3 months of no sex, so we tried last weekend to make it happen. He couldn't keep his erection so we couldn't continue. Previously he's had stress with work that he said has impacted him, so it's happened once or twice before. He was very apologetic and didn't want me to feel bad, he said it's nothing to do with me and we should try again later. He even bought me a lil treat as an apology(not that he had to, I would never give him a hard time about that (haha)). Despite his assurances though, I had a feeling that he may be over compensating a bit. I asked him if my appearance or weight was a factor. He was reluctant to share, but after I repeatedly assured him I wouldn't be upset, he simply said "Well, I still think you're pretty, but we've both gained weight, and sure, your body is a bit different than when we met. But so is mine." I was around 270 lbs when we met, so not small, but 30 lbs is 30 lbs. Good enough confirmation for me. I feel terrible. I am not upset with him, but I just feel like it's come to a point for me where this man who does love me unconditionally, just isn't really attracted to my body anymore.
He isn't the only factor in my decision to take action and actively work on this, but that is definitely a component of it. 300lbs at 5'10 is uncomfortable, to say the least. I'm almost 30 and I don't want to spend the rest of my life at this weight, or worse. I know I struggle when I make a mistake, and that's when I've given up and let it all fall apart. I can't afford to do that anymore. My body is wearing/worn down and I feel it every day.
I restarted counting calories on Monday, using MyFitnessPal and am trying to keep things under 2000kcal/day. It's not the most aggressive approach, but I'm trying to be sustainable and appreciate that this may take some time for me. I walk 3-5km per day for work, but I plan on adding at least one physical activity on the weekends, like a hike, a swim, or a game.
Partner is on board and agreed to do some lifestyle changes with me. We both needed to make some changes anyway, so it will be good for both of us to do it together. He's been hitting the gym in the mornings 4 - 5 times a week as well, I'm not comfortable going with him, but like I said I'm going to try to find a routine to incorporate more movement into my life.
I needed to word vomit this somewhere, so thanks if you made it all the way through. It can be a bit overwhelming to google workout routines and figure out the most effective ones, so if you have any great resources for low impact at home workouts for beginners or good beginner gym routines that you've used and found effective then let me know!
