To give some context before I get into this, I was recently diagnosed with PCOS and Hashimoto’s Disease. TLDR; insulin resistance and unbalanced thyroid hormones and androgens. That, combined with Binge Eating Disorder, got me to a high of 340 lbs at the start of this year. All of this weight gain was through late high school and early college (I’m 21, so think the past 5 years max). Before this, I was a “healthy” weight but struggled with anorexia, resulting from physical and sexual abuse from when I was a kid dealing with food (I’m in therapy).
I’m not saying it’s all my hormonal imbalances and trauma, but after I got medicated recently and was in therapy and was just maintaining, I decided to drastically change. I’ve been so scared of anorexia after I was hospitalized as a young teen that I’ve been afraid of diets and CICO and intermittent fasting and all of it. I decided that, even if I swung back in that direction, it would be healthier than the path I’m on. Right now, I have no health complications from my weight, but fear it in the future.
I was already doing okay in some areas (no sugary drinks, no red meat [related to my hormonal disorders]) but I struggled with the time in which I ate. I’d eat nothing until 10 PM at night, then binge until midnight. I knew I had BED, but it didn’t seem real or felt like something I could control.
I started researching. Boy, was I wrong. It was controlling my entire life, but my new knowledge was a weapon to fight it with. I started eating 2-3 meals a day (look, smaller and more frequent meals is my goal, but it’s only been about 3 weeks). I felt this TERRIBLE gripping pain at night even when I ate enough during the day. Previously, this would cause me to binge, worrying I was neglecting my bodily cues. This time, I didn’t - I wondered if it was, in fact, psychological pain from the BED manifesting physically. I fought through it and went to bed, and was pain-free by morning. Now I don’t eat past 8PM, and am trying to move it earlier.
I’m learning the real battle is that I can’t trust my bodily cues. All the fitness people I follow say to trust your body, but I think I’m in a unique place where I can’t. Every day that passes though, I’m in less pain. I originally stopped eating late because I thought it was making my existing hormone issues worse, but it’s like I uncovered a hydra of bad habits to fight.
And huzzah! I’m down to 321, as of today. Almost 20 lbs down in three weeks is crazy, but I’m eating at least 1200 calories a day (I use MyFitnessPal to track). I eat very balanced meals, as eating 1200 of something junk food related makes me want to binge more. In line with the diet protocols for my hormonal disorders, I reduce as much sugar as possible, low carbs, low processed foods, no red meat, but high salt for my POTS (doesn’t impact weight, just salt needs). I’ve been eating a lot of eggs and avocados, lol.
I don’t find myself too hungry in general anymore, except at night when the familiar pains return. It’s getting better though, and I’m proud to say I haven’t broken and binged even once. But even if I do, I feel more prepared to get back on the horse! I will say, while I’m 321, I find my body type closer in pictures of people who are 230-250, but I’m also very tall and broad (?).
If you struggle with BED, you’re not alone. Recognize your patterns and don’t let your brain lie to your body. I’ll be checking in here as I continue. I haven’t taken a before picture, unsure if I want to. Any thoughts, feedback, comments etc appreciated!
EDIT to mention: I also did this partially out of anger. My new GP said that, with my conditions, I need to do “vegetarian keto” combined with IF to lose weight. I want to prove her wrong. 💪
